fail

so, i overreacted and got paranoid.
now i feel like a fool.
and i'm still paranoid
sigh

A new post.

So here I am in bed. I'm more scared right now than I think I have ever been. I refuse to lose one of the closest people that has ever been in my life, but I want to stick with my lifestyle choice. I don't want anything bad to happen, yet everything could go wrong.

So my life has been all over the place lately...... I wonder what's going to become of me. Sometimes I think I'd rather just descend into a spiral of irresponsibility, so I can just get away.

Suicide is not an option. So do not worry whomever is reading this. No matter how bad things get, I will be here still. I can't hurt people again like last time. I van barely cope with the pain i'm causing ONE person... And you know who you are, and no matter what happens, if we fight, get mad, fade away even, I will never be able to find someone like you again. I hope I mean the same to you…

Iddk why I'm blogging, I just had a sort of urge I guess.

Exams, I'm not too worried about. Had English yesterday and owned it.

Crying now, yay. Emotions... Why must you suck so badly when you appear, and then sometimes just dissapear.

iPhone keyboard sucks for writing btw. But the app I got for this is nice.

Sometimes I just want to fade away. Stay in my bed , and nothing more. Maybe I can be happy with what I have then.

Hooray, I prob just sound all angsty-teen ATM. Exactly what I want, just perfect.


Btw m'dear, if things don't work out ( they WILL, this is hypothetical) let the "group convo" people know because, really, they deserve to know, and at that point I wouldn't do well facing them.

I feel like my whole life has been torn away at the seams. And I don't know how to sew.


jm

new poem

Schizophrenic

Alone, she sits, upon her bed
the voices talking in her head.
they praise, they talk, they are her friends
they tell her she'll meet them when everything ends.
This girl, you see, looks nothing weird,
she's not one to be hated, disliked, nor feared,
but inside her mind, storms are raging,
a violent uproar, the voices are staging.
They tell her what will happen to her,
alas, not of things that once were,
but are, will be, of what is to come,
the horror of her future from which she can't run.
The pain she'll endure, the fear she'll know,
the burning days and the freezing snow
of love and hate that consume her life,
she sees her world filled with nothing but strife.
The voices today were louder than before,
like in her mind they had opened a door,
allowing their voices to spill through her thoughts
letting her hear and know their plots
to accept her as one of their very own
as long as her blood has been verily sown
upon her arms, with her skin gone pale
her soul released from her mortal jail.
She wants to meet these voices she hears
for they know her sorrows and her fears,
they help her when she needs to talk
and they're always there, wherever she'll walk.
So there she sits, upon her bed
lazily resting down her head,
a knife gripped in her left hand,
a note laying on her nightstand,
explaining the reason for her early passing,
and the light, with shadows it's casting.
she draws the blade along her arm,
she worries not about the harm,
the pain, the blood, for she knows for sure
the voices will be wait to greet her.
As her consciousness fades, the blood is spilled,
and with black her vision is filled,
she hears the voices for one final time,
laughing, raucous, and yet so sublime,
and in her dying moment, she hears them say,
"We all shall remember, that this is the day
when we took the life of an innocent one
and now we must leave, for our task is done,
your life was wasted, your curiosity took hold,
and so your life, to us, was sold"
And there she lay, no longer alive,
the alarm was sounding, a quarter past five,
but it went on, piercing the night,
for no one was there for this sorry sight,
a bloodied girl, who's life the voices ruled,
lying dead, whilst her blood silently pooled.

A post :O

So i haven't blogged in forever

i know

but i'm blogging now, so all you blogstalkers can shush :)

So lately my life has just been... i don't know.. fucked over?

My concerns with self image have gotten bad enough that it's led to self-injury, and I hate myself for being unable to control myself. I try joking about it at times with people, and i talk about it over msn, but both just because it helps me distance from the reality of the problem... I can almost never talk about it in person, it's just too much for me to face. I don't know what i can do about it... i have no self control, and it makes me feel weak and useless inside and out... all my problems i end up somehow attributing it to my body if it's possible. 

The meds don't work. period. ought to tell psychologist soon...

I'm alive right now because I am helping friends through problems... that's all i have to live for now. My life is based off of other's problems. I'm just some angst and misery sucking leech.. sure I help them, but really, what am I without misery? I'm dead, figuratively and most likely literally. I'm tired of my existance, it's so meaningless and just empty i feel. I get to be with friends, and that kinda helps, but my face of happiness has been pulled tight again, never to let my true self see the light of day. I can't lower it though because it makes people worry. I mean nothing in the end, so why should i burden others? I can't let them worry, for I shall be imposing.

I feel so utterly helpless sometimes, I just follow the crowd, sucking off of their misery... 

what kind of a person am I?

I just hide behind a mask of fake emotions and lies so that others can live their lives more simply. 

Cutting is wrong but it just feels so good; it's a release, a self punishment, a pleasure... i don't find it too bad, and i don't even know if i want to stop......

Death cab is currently being one of many bands substituting some sort of managment for my emotions. Music keeps me slightly more stable, it gives me a base to keep me from toppling over.

I blog, and all i do is rant about my goddamn shortcomings and failures, i'm sorry if my blogging quality has spiraled out of control, but i have too much on my mind nowadays.

things haven't improved since the suicide attempt.

at all.

asdflkajgsdjlgfk'k\l'a;

So I'm really annoyed at how some people react to situations really...

See, I'm trying to make a choice that most people wouldn't agree with, but it would affect only me, despite what they think, and I feel that I have the right to make what choice I want about my life and body.
I kinda want to at least try it, but it would end up being at the expense of my dearest friends, and as much as I'd wish to try it, I wouldn't be able to, because without my friends, I might as well try to kill myself again...
It shouldn't have to be like that, but my friends are unrelenting with their objections, despite it being of my decision... why can't I choose what I want without having to be judged for it if it affects only me? :(

Life needs a simplify button.

Because I don't want to have to compromise my decisions because friends disapprove.. but I may have to..

Thanks guys, I understand you have my best interests in mind, but this isn't what I need from you. Not in the slightest.

wow

I don't think I cried as much as I did tonight ever in my life.
even when my suicide failed.
never before

SO

So, suicide attempt failed. Evidently, since I'm posting this I'm alive :P

So I am currently coming out to my friends about being bi, and everything is going okay with that, thank goodness.
And depression sucks :)

...

So I haven't blogged in two months, and my friend has been pretty much harassing me about it. :)
So I decided to blog. But my writing this, she HAS to update 136 >.<


So basically life has sucked recently. I haven't had the motivation to do anything at all, and I've just been dragging myself through life. I haven't done homework forever, I don't remember the last time I did, I have three or four projects that are almost a month overdue that I don't plan on ever doing, and I just don't care anymore. Basically I feel like I've hit a dead end, and I'm not sure what's next. I've been depressed, and with nothing to take me out of it (my friends help, but it doesn't last) I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.

Basically I've contemplated suicide every day now for the past month or so. I know how I'm going to do it, where, and when during the day. I just need to sorta figure out exactly when. I'm pretty sure it'll happen soon enough, but I don't know really which day, or week, or month.

I don't see why I shouldn't. Out of the two people that know I'm suicidal, they've both really helped me think about it, but their arguments against it didn't hold much weight in my opinion. And also, since when is our life in our own hands? I can't just kill myself supposedly because of what it'll do to others. It's MY life, not anyone elses, and yet what say do I have in the matter as it seems? It's not up to me according to what some people have said, and I shouldn't be able to live [or not] my life as I wish. Maybe people will understand that it's what I wanted, and they should be happy that I was able to do what I wanted. How is it different than getting a job? I wanted the job possibly, and I got it, and people are happy, even if they don't like the job I got. If i kill myself, then they aren't happy for me, despite that it is in accordance with my own wishes, and they will not be happy I did what I wanted.

But really, what point is our life? To reproduce to such an extent that the planet eventually overpopulates and a mass extinction or culling of the race ensues? We don't have a reason for life really, it's just so that we can have sex and make more of us to whatever extent possible. Why life longer when living shorter is just as good for you? You don't suffer the ravages of age, the mistakes of the past, or the fuck ups of the future. If I do kill myself, it will not be because of crippling depression, or loneliness, or anything, it is simply because for me, it is the best choice.

Ughers

So right now life sucks for me, because I only have one thing on my mind, and I keep forgetting things because of it, and most of my friends are spazzing about course options for the upcoming year.

BAH

The world needs to slow down for a week or so, so we can appreciate the moment with no distractions.
We all need it :)

Side note

Just randomly, I realized that I've never once talked about my problems in person...
I just like the slightly detached feeling from msn and blogging/whatnot, because I don't feel like my problems are as real...