So i haven't blogged in forever
i know
but i'm blogging now, so all you blogstalkers can shush :)
So lately my life has just been... i don't know.. fucked over?
My concerns with self image have gotten bad enough that it's led to self-injury, and I hate myself for being unable to control myself. I try joking about it at times with people, and i talk about it over msn, but both just because it helps me distance from the reality of the problem... I can almost never talk about it in person, it's just too much for me to face. I don't know what i can do about it... i have no self control, and it makes me feel weak and useless inside and out... all my problems i end up somehow attributing it to my body if it's possible.
The meds don't work. period. ought to tell psychologist soon...
I'm alive right now because I am helping friends through problems... that's all i have to live for now. My life is based off of other's problems. I'm just some angst and misery sucking leech.. sure I help them, but really, what am I without misery? I'm dead, figuratively and most likely literally. I'm tired of my existance, it's so meaningless and just empty i feel. I get to be with friends, and that kinda helps, but my face of happiness has been pulled tight again, never to let my true self see the light of day. I can't lower it though because it makes people worry. I mean nothing in the end, so why should i burden others? I can't let them worry, for I shall be imposing.
I feel so utterly helpless sometimes, I just follow the crowd, sucking off of their misery...
what kind of a person am I?
I just hide behind a mask of fake emotions and lies so that others can live their lives more simply.
Cutting is wrong but it just feels so good; it's a release, a self punishment, a pleasure... i don't find it too bad, and i don't even know if i want to stop......
Death cab is currently being one of many bands substituting some sort of managment for my emotions. Music keeps me slightly more stable, it gives me a base to keep me from toppling over.
I blog, and all i do is rant about my goddamn shortcomings and failures, i'm sorry if my blogging quality has spiraled out of control, but i have too much on my mind nowadays.
things haven't improved since the suicide attempt.
at all.
