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So I haven't blogged in two months, and my friend has been pretty much harassing me about it. :)
So I decided to blog. But my writing this, she HAS to update 136 >.<


So basically life has sucked recently. I haven't had the motivation to do anything at all, and I've just been dragging myself through life. I haven't done homework forever, I don't remember the last time I did, I have three or four projects that are almost a month overdue that I don't plan on ever doing, and I just don't care anymore. Basically I feel like I've hit a dead end, and I'm not sure what's next. I've been depressed, and with nothing to take me out of it (my friends help, but it doesn't last) I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.

Basically I've contemplated suicide every day now for the past month or so. I know how I'm going to do it, where, and when during the day. I just need to sorta figure out exactly when. I'm pretty sure it'll happen soon enough, but I don't know really which day, or week, or month.

I don't see why I shouldn't. Out of the two people that know I'm suicidal, they've both really helped me think about it, but their arguments against it didn't hold much weight in my opinion. And also, since when is our life in our own hands? I can't just kill myself supposedly because of what it'll do to others. It's MY life, not anyone elses, and yet what say do I have in the matter as it seems? It's not up to me according to what some people have said, and I shouldn't be able to live [or not] my life as I wish. Maybe people will understand that it's what I wanted, and they should be happy that I was able to do what I wanted. How is it different than getting a job? I wanted the job possibly, and I got it, and people are happy, even if they don't like the job I got. If i kill myself, then they aren't happy for me, despite that it is in accordance with my own wishes, and they will not be happy I did what I wanted.

But really, what point is our life? To reproduce to such an extent that the planet eventually overpopulates and a mass extinction or culling of the race ensues? We don't have a reason for life really, it's just so that we can have sex and make more of us to whatever extent possible. Why life longer when living shorter is just as good for you? You don't suffer the ravages of age, the mistakes of the past, or the fuck ups of the future. If I do kill myself, it will not be because of crippling depression, or loneliness, or anything, it is simply because for me, it is the best choice.