new poem

Schizophrenic

Alone, she sits, upon her bed
the voices talking in her head.
they praise, they talk, they are her friends
they tell her she'll meet them when everything ends.
This girl, you see, looks nothing weird,
she's not one to be hated, disliked, nor feared,
but inside her mind, storms are raging,
a violent uproar, the voices are staging.
They tell her what will happen to her,
alas, not of things that once were,
but are, will be, of what is to come,
the horror of her future from which she can't run.
The pain she'll endure, the fear she'll know,
the burning days and the freezing snow
of love and hate that consume her life,
she sees her world filled with nothing but strife.
The voices today were louder than before,
like in her mind they had opened a door,
allowing their voices to spill through her thoughts
letting her hear and know their plots
to accept her as one of their very own
as long as her blood has been verily sown
upon her arms, with her skin gone pale
her soul released from her mortal jail.
She wants to meet these voices she hears
for they know her sorrows and her fears,
they help her when she needs to talk
and they're always there, wherever she'll walk.
So there she sits, upon her bed
lazily resting down her head,
a knife gripped in her left hand,
a note laying on her nightstand,
explaining the reason for her early passing,
and the light, with shadows it's casting.
she draws the blade along her arm,
she worries not about the harm,
the pain, the blood, for she knows for sure
the voices will be wait to greet her.
As her consciousness fades, the blood is spilled,
and with black her vision is filled,
she hears the voices for one final time,
laughing, raucous, and yet so sublime,
and in her dying moment, she hears them say,
"We all shall remember, that this is the day
when we took the life of an innocent one
and now we must leave, for our task is done,
your life was wasted, your curiosity took hold,
and so your life, to us, was sold"
And there she lay, no longer alive,
the alarm was sounding, a quarter past five,
but it went on, piercing the night,
for no one was there for this sorry sight,
a bloodied girl, who's life the voices ruled,
lying dead, whilst her blood silently pooled.

A post :O

So i haven't blogged in forever

i know

but i'm blogging now, so all you blogstalkers can shush :)

So lately my life has just been... i don't know.. fucked over?

My concerns with self image have gotten bad enough that it's led to self-injury, and I hate myself for being unable to control myself. I try joking about it at times with people, and i talk about it over msn, but both just because it helps me distance from the reality of the problem... I can almost never talk about it in person, it's just too much for me to face. I don't know what i can do about it... i have no self control, and it makes me feel weak and useless inside and out... all my problems i end up somehow attributing it to my body if it's possible. 

The meds don't work. period. ought to tell psychologist soon...

I'm alive right now because I am helping friends through problems... that's all i have to live for now. My life is based off of other's problems. I'm just some angst and misery sucking leech.. sure I help them, but really, what am I without misery? I'm dead, figuratively and most likely literally. I'm tired of my existance, it's so meaningless and just empty i feel. I get to be with friends, and that kinda helps, but my face of happiness has been pulled tight again, never to let my true self see the light of day. I can't lower it though because it makes people worry. I mean nothing in the end, so why should i burden others? I can't let them worry, for I shall be imposing.

I feel so utterly helpless sometimes, I just follow the crowd, sucking off of their misery... 

what kind of a person am I?

I just hide behind a mask of fake emotions and lies so that others can live their lives more simply. 

Cutting is wrong but it just feels so good; it's a release, a self punishment, a pleasure... i don't find it too bad, and i don't even know if i want to stop......

Death cab is currently being one of many bands substituting some sort of managment for my emotions. Music keeps me slightly more stable, it gives me a base to keep me from toppling over.

I blog, and all i do is rant about my goddamn shortcomings and failures, i'm sorry if my blogging quality has spiraled out of control, but i have too much on my mind nowadays.

things haven't improved since the suicide attempt.

at all.

asdflkajgsdjlgfk'k\l'a;

So I'm really annoyed at how some people react to situations really...

See, I'm trying to make a choice that most people wouldn't agree with, but it would affect only me, despite what they think, and I feel that I have the right to make what choice I want about my life and body.
I kinda want to at least try it, but it would end up being at the expense of my dearest friends, and as much as I'd wish to try it, I wouldn't be able to, because without my friends, I might as well try to kill myself again...
It shouldn't have to be like that, but my friends are unrelenting with their objections, despite it being of my decision... why can't I choose what I want without having to be judged for it if it affects only me? :(

Life needs a simplify button.

Because I don't want to have to compromise my decisions because friends disapprove.. but I may have to..

Thanks guys, I understand you have my best interests in mind, but this isn't what I need from you. Not in the slightest.

wow

I don't think I cried as much as I did tonight ever in my life.
even when my suicide failed.
never before

SO

So, suicide attempt failed. Evidently, since I'm posting this I'm alive :P

So I am currently coming out to my friends about being bi, and everything is going okay with that, thank goodness.
And depression sucks :)

...

So I haven't blogged in two months, and my friend has been pretty much harassing me about it. :)
So I decided to blog. But my writing this, she HAS to update 136 >.<


So basically life has sucked recently. I haven't had the motivation to do anything at all, and I've just been dragging myself through life. I haven't done homework forever, I don't remember the last time I did, I have three or four projects that are almost a month overdue that I don't plan on ever doing, and I just don't care anymore. Basically I feel like I've hit a dead end, and I'm not sure what's next. I've been depressed, and with nothing to take me out of it (my friends help, but it doesn't last) I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.

Basically I've contemplated suicide every day now for the past month or so. I know how I'm going to do it, where, and when during the day. I just need to sorta figure out exactly when. I'm pretty sure it'll happen soon enough, but I don't know really which day, or week, or month.

I don't see why I shouldn't. Out of the two people that know I'm suicidal, they've both really helped me think about it, but their arguments against it didn't hold much weight in my opinion. And also, since when is our life in our own hands? I can't just kill myself supposedly because of what it'll do to others. It's MY life, not anyone elses, and yet what say do I have in the matter as it seems? It's not up to me according to what some people have said, and I shouldn't be able to live [or not] my life as I wish. Maybe people will understand that it's what I wanted, and they should be happy that I was able to do what I wanted. How is it different than getting a job? I wanted the job possibly, and I got it, and people are happy, even if they don't like the job I got. If i kill myself, then they aren't happy for me, despite that it is in accordance with my own wishes, and they will not be happy I did what I wanted.

But really, what point is our life? To reproduce to such an extent that the planet eventually overpopulates and a mass extinction or culling of the race ensues? We don't have a reason for life really, it's just so that we can have sex and make more of us to whatever extent possible. Why life longer when living shorter is just as good for you? You don't suffer the ravages of age, the mistakes of the past, or the fuck ups of the future. If I do kill myself, it will not be because of crippling depression, or loneliness, or anything, it is simply because for me, it is the best choice.

Ughers

So right now life sucks for me, because I only have one thing on my mind, and I keep forgetting things because of it, and most of my friends are spazzing about course options for the upcoming year.

BAH

The world needs to slow down for a week or so, so we can appreciate the moment with no distractions.
We all need it :)

Side note

Just randomly, I realized that I've never once talked about my problems in person...
I just like the slightly detached feeling from msn and blogging/whatnot, because I don't feel like my problems are as real...

new post

So as I sit here, being eternally tormented by Jimmie, my sore throat, I decided that blogging was in need to be done.

Today I have realized that despite all of mankind's fancy shmancy gadgets, we've changed only slightly from way back in the prehistoric days. I was at my karate classes when one of the girls wasn't giving much effort in punching, so her sister decided to motivate her. All she had to say was "imagine that I stole your boyfriend", and that girl started punching with completely renewed vigor. This, of course, is because of the old instinct that both males and females have for protecting their mates so they can reproduce and continue the lineage. All we do is driven by the basic instincts we began with, and all the new technology is just more proof as to how we're following our basic programming. Basically, less energy used meant more saved for food, mating, traveling, etc when we were back in the ancient times, and so humans learned to make tools, so less effort doing one thing means more for another. And so we continued getting more advanced until we were in space, and we don't NEED to do any of this inventing or improving, it's all just stuff we ended up doing because we didn't know what else to do.

On another related note, last month social networking sites surpassed porn sites as the most popular use of the internet. Of course the social addiction is for another post, but the fact that porn has been so popular for so long is just unbelievable. We just can't get enough of sex, and it's like an infection, because it's our base instict for sex because it means more of our children, which means a higher rate of likelihood the species would survive. But because there are so many lonely, fat, virgins out there, porn has been the new sex. It's gross.



Random other thing;
I CANNOT STAND THE GYM FITNESS ASSESMENT :(
They check your height, that's fine, a bit of joking around at the short people, which sucks
They check your ability to perform pushups and situps, which sucks, because the people who arent' in amazing shape then get made fun of themselves.
They look at your endurance, so the low stamina people get joked at.
THEN,
they measure your weight, AND your body fat percentage.
I mean, please, that has to be more personal, because I can barely get myself onto the scale and see how large of a blob I am, let alone see how much of me is actually fat...
I was 6'2", 175lbs last fitness evaluation, with 22.4% body fat, which was in the high range.
After that, I ended up losing 13ish lbs in about 1.5months because of how much I completely HATED myself.
Now, I get to measure again, and it will most likely lead to more weight loss [which btw, I can't help, it's just hard to explain, I may blog how I really feel about weight loss some time, but not tonight], which means lower blood pressure, therefore resulting in higher chance of heart arrythmia [uneven beat], which I pretty much already have at a regular basis.

Right now, in preperation for the next fitness test, I am eating about 250 cals a day, and exerciseing about 750-900 cals, giving me a -500 to -650 calorie intake. Basically I drop about one and a half pounds a day on that. It leaves me pretty much fainting at times, and I'm always ravenous.

But hey, it's just a gym test, as the teacher says, it doesn't matter all that much if you're high on the charts or not [Note: Intense sarcasm]

D:

:( Baaaaaaaaaaaahd week foodwise