asdflkajgsdjlgfk'k\l'a;

So I'm really annoyed at how some people react to situations really...

See, I'm trying to make a choice that most people wouldn't agree with, but it would affect only me, despite what they think, and I feel that I have the right to make what choice I want about my life and body.
I kinda want to at least try it, but it would end up being at the expense of my dearest friends, and as much as I'd wish to try it, I wouldn't be able to, because without my friends, I might as well try to kill myself again...
It shouldn't have to be like that, but my friends are unrelenting with their objections, despite it being of my decision... why can't I choose what I want without having to be judged for it if it affects only me? :(

Life needs a simplify button.

Because I don't want to have to compromise my decisions because friends disapprove.. but I may have to..

Thanks guys, I understand you have my best interests in mind, but this isn't what I need from you. Not in the slightest.

wow

I don't think I cried as much as I did tonight ever in my life.
even when my suicide failed.
never before

SO

So, suicide attempt failed. Evidently, since I'm posting this I'm alive :P

So I am currently coming out to my friends about being bi, and everything is going okay with that, thank goodness.
And depression sucks :)

...

So I haven't blogged in two months, and my friend has been pretty much harassing me about it. :)
So I decided to blog. But my writing this, she HAS to update 136 >.<


So basically life has sucked recently. I haven't had the motivation to do anything at all, and I've just been dragging myself through life. I haven't done homework forever, I don't remember the last time I did, I have three or four projects that are almost a month overdue that I don't plan on ever doing, and I just don't care anymore. Basically I feel like I've hit a dead end, and I'm not sure what's next. I've been depressed, and with nothing to take me out of it (my friends help, but it doesn't last) I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.

Basically I've contemplated suicide every day now for the past month or so. I know how I'm going to do it, where, and when during the day. I just need to sorta figure out exactly when. I'm pretty sure it'll happen soon enough, but I don't know really which day, or week, or month.

I don't see why I shouldn't. Out of the two people that know I'm suicidal, they've both really helped me think about it, but their arguments against it didn't hold much weight in my opinion. And also, since when is our life in our own hands? I can't just kill myself supposedly because of what it'll do to others. It's MY life, not anyone elses, and yet what say do I have in the matter as it seems? It's not up to me according to what some people have said, and I shouldn't be able to live [or not] my life as I wish. Maybe people will understand that it's what I wanted, and they should be happy that I was able to do what I wanted. How is it different than getting a job? I wanted the job possibly, and I got it, and people are happy, even if they don't like the job I got. If i kill myself, then they aren't happy for me, despite that it is in accordance with my own wishes, and they will not be happy I did what I wanted.

But really, what point is our life? To reproduce to such an extent that the planet eventually overpopulates and a mass extinction or culling of the race ensues? We don't have a reason for life really, it's just so that we can have sex and make more of us to whatever extent possible. Why life longer when living shorter is just as good for you? You don't suffer the ravages of age, the mistakes of the past, or the fuck ups of the future. If I do kill myself, it will not be because of crippling depression, or loneliness, or anything, it is simply because for me, it is the best choice.

Ughers

So right now life sucks for me, because I only have one thing on my mind, and I keep forgetting things because of it, and most of my friends are spazzing about course options for the upcoming year.

BAH

The world needs to slow down for a week or so, so we can appreciate the moment with no distractions.
We all need it :)

Side note

Just randomly, I realized that I've never once talked about my problems in person...
I just like the slightly detached feeling from msn and blogging/whatnot, because I don't feel like my problems are as real...

new post

So as I sit here, being eternally tormented by Jimmie, my sore throat, I decided that blogging was in need to be done.

Today I have realized that despite all of mankind's fancy shmancy gadgets, we've changed only slightly from way back in the prehistoric days. I was at my karate classes when one of the girls wasn't giving much effort in punching, so her sister decided to motivate her. All she had to say was "imagine that I stole your boyfriend", and that girl started punching with completely renewed vigor. This, of course, is because of the old instinct that both males and females have for protecting their mates so they can reproduce and continue the lineage. All we do is driven by the basic instincts we began with, and all the new technology is just more proof as to how we're following our basic programming. Basically, less energy used meant more saved for food, mating, traveling, etc when we were back in the ancient times, and so humans learned to make tools, so less effort doing one thing means more for another. And so we continued getting more advanced until we were in space, and we don't NEED to do any of this inventing or improving, it's all just stuff we ended up doing because we didn't know what else to do.

On another related note, last month social networking sites surpassed porn sites as the most popular use of the internet. Of course the social addiction is for another post, but the fact that porn has been so popular for so long is just unbelievable. We just can't get enough of sex, and it's like an infection, because it's our base instict for sex because it means more of our children, which means a higher rate of likelihood the species would survive. But because there are so many lonely, fat, virgins out there, porn has been the new sex. It's gross.



Random other thing;
I CANNOT STAND THE GYM FITNESS ASSESMENT :(
They check your height, that's fine, a bit of joking around at the short people, which sucks
They check your ability to perform pushups and situps, which sucks, because the people who arent' in amazing shape then get made fun of themselves.
They look at your endurance, so the low stamina people get joked at.
THEN,
they measure your weight, AND your body fat percentage.
I mean, please, that has to be more personal, because I can barely get myself onto the scale and see how large of a blob I am, let alone see how much of me is actually fat...
I was 6'2", 175lbs last fitness evaluation, with 22.4% body fat, which was in the high range.
After that, I ended up losing 13ish lbs in about 1.5months because of how much I completely HATED myself.
Now, I get to measure again, and it will most likely lead to more weight loss [which btw, I can't help, it's just hard to explain, I may blog how I really feel about weight loss some time, but not tonight], which means lower blood pressure, therefore resulting in higher chance of heart arrythmia [uneven beat], which I pretty much already have at a regular basis.

Right now, in preperation for the next fitness test, I am eating about 250 cals a day, and exerciseing about 750-900 cals, giving me a -500 to -650 calorie intake. Basically I drop about one and a half pounds a day on that. It leaves me pretty much fainting at times, and I'm always ravenous.

But hey, it's just a gym test, as the teacher says, it doesn't matter all that much if you're high on the charts or not [Note: Intense sarcasm]

D:

:( Baaaaaaaaaaaahd week foodwise

the pho

What the pho

No new postsecret this week?

=[
:{
:'(
:(
D:
=(
=*(
etc

Weird?

It's 2am, so fuck off if this post seems weird, i'm tired

So I've been spending the past hour or so on youtube, searching for controversial videos, to read about stupid arguments people have in the comments on the videos. It amazes me how daft some people are; how they can only see their side of the argument, and all other opinions are blasphemous and unimaginable. Of course I realize that I may be similar and not realize it, but whatever.

So I was looking at controversial videos, like a video that labeled My Chemical Romance as hard metal:

You would NOT imagine the amount of people spamming the comments as if they have nothing else to do in their lives... it's odd to imagine how worked up people get about music genres. I feel the classification of music is an opinion, with no hard-set boundaries, so bands go where people THINK they go...


another one was the emo song:
the people on THAT one were a bunch of pretentious people who thought that every person who dressed even remotely like goth/emo were a bunch of depressed, cutting, attention-seeking drama queens who are most likely homosexual. God, I despise those people. Maybe the people who dress like that just like the style? but that most likely NEVER crossed their minds...

one more was a documentary about eating disorders:
So over on that video the comments were not really outright and agressive, most of them were people asking about help on how to be anorexic, because they want to look good for such and such, or lose the christmas fat. It irks me to the enth degree about how clueless they are, and the fact that the mortality rate for anorexia is about 10-15% depending on the statistic's subjects. Diet and exercise are one thing, eating disorders are another.





So yes, I'm tired, And I am freaking pissed at postsecret for being 2 hours late at updating the blog for sunday. I am mentally punching them right now :)

And just to let you know, I have my own secret to mail into postsecret sometime around the spring... I'll post it when I'm done, but be patient, a few months still before it's doable

Now what? I'm bored with nothing to do. possibly more posts, idk, maybe more vids, maybe postsecret will finally update their blog so i can sleep [yes, i know, i'm addicted].

fair thee well young blogstalkers,
jah